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Captain Fear goes to the
Lake District It’s 7o’clock on a Sunday morning, it’s raining, it’s cold, and I am cycling through Longsight on my way to Bob’s humble abode. I stupidly believe that my day cannot get any worse. It
turns out that we are going to the last district, sounds nice, until Jamie
mentions that it’s snowing in Scotland. Bob
blurts out that the lake district is 300 miles north from where we are going and
that there is no chance of encountering any snow. So we all relax and start tying the boats on to Phil’s
Dad’s fast looking Mondeo and Dave’s ……..Nissan Micra.
Ever since Dave returned to Manchester with a car, I have heard
everything about Dave’s driving ……ahem!! ……skills. Have three guess’s which car I am going in?
Yes, you guessed it, I’m in Dave’s car.
HELP!! I
laughed, how bad can it be? I found
out shortly after we set off, we mounted the kerb.
Anyway, we drove to the River Kent, yet opted to have a look at the River
Greta (I’m not sure about the spelling); on the way we passed what can
only be described as snowstorms and blizzards. On several occasions the motorway turned completely white,
thank God we were not the first car. The wind rushed around making driving
conditions quite treacherous for us all. I
managed to fall asleep for a short time until Dave woke me up by shouting “Oh
Shit” after a particularly strong blast of wind; which must have moved the car
several feet into the other lane. My confidence wasn’t doing well at the start, by now; I
needed to change my pants. We
arrived at the Greta, only to find that there wasn’t much water there either.
Thank god for that, whilst we were deciding what to do, the snow fell
heavier and heavier. I’d like to
take this moment to thank Jamie for the snowball, which he threw at me whilst I
was sitting in the nice warm car (I really didn’t fancy adventuring outside
of the car, we are talking brass monkeys here). Well,
we risked the return journey back to the River Kent, through the blizzards and
storms. We managed quite well until
Phil pulled over to do something in a lay by and as Dave was driving up his arse
all the way through the Lake District we nearly skidded up his rear end.
Talking of skids and rear ends, my pants by this point……well, I
won’t go into that. We arrived safely at the get on point at the Kent. Nobody wanted to move, it was freezing. The cars were covered in snow, so of course, as mature as we are, we threw it at each other, whilst some strange little dog barked at us and then proceeded to jump into Phil’s car, muddy paws and all, ha ha ha ha ha ha. We reluctantly got changed and onto the river after several hastily prepared warm up exercises. I cannot describe how cold we were, after only a minute on the river I had lost all feeling in my hands. For 2 kilometres we paddled for a bit, then floated for a bit (hands inside buoyancy aids) then paddled a bit more, I lost count how many times I said “Why the hell do I do this?” It wasn’t long until my question was answered. It was the drop where Matt Swatton had swam last term. We had entered the gorge, which meant shelter from the icy wind, a Godsend, that’s what it was. The trip was brilliant, some impressive drops and things. Now, we get to the point which explains why the article is called ‘Captain Fear goes to the Lake District’. Throughout the trip, Bob had asked me to lead the group through the rapids, being a wuss I opted not to. That is until the final drop, which is the massive mother f**ker. Bob told me to lead, I told him where to go. So Bob led the group until the final eddy, where Bob quickly, and quite sneakily slipped into the eddy and stopped. Jamie did the same, quickly followed by Phil, leaving:- A) No room in the eddy. B) No one to lead the drop, but me. C) And me shitting myself. As
I passed the smirking trio, I called out, “YOU GITS!!”
I then, according to the trio (I still don’t believe them),
turned a strange colour and then disappeared over the massive drop.
I then received the title ‘Captain Fear’, which I am not very
grateful for. To make matters worse, as I was getting dressed I managed to
get my d**k caught in my fly, much to the enjoyment of Bob, Phil, Jamie and
Dave. The journey home passed without much drama. So we ended the day with a big fat Kebab from Saagan (the official MMSU Canoe Kebab House). |
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