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Captain Fear Strikes Again Setting the scene; it’s 8 o’clock in the morning, you have been in bed for only a few hours following a mental night completing the Didsbury Dozen, and a few extra bars in Fallowfield. It feels like you have consumed a small brewery and a kebab house. Everything is fine until, your mobile phone goes crazy. At first, you think it is part of your alcohol-fuelled dream, then you slowly realise that it isn’t. You reach over, your mouth feels like you have licked a stick of glue and then stuck your tongue in a full Hoover bag, your tongue is so thick and furry, you don’t think you are capable of speaking. Your only thought is to stop that damn ringing, because you are feeling so fragile. You finally stop the ringing, the nightmare gets worse, Phil is on the end of the line asking if you are up and ready to go canoeing. You sink back into bed, how drunk was I? I must have been really drunk to say that I would go canoeing. I manage to mumble something about see you in a minute and crawl out of bed, only to find my not-so-funny Austrian house mate in the living room. Please don’t speak to me, my head can’t take it. I shun him to the side only to find that I had packed my canoeing gear the night before, the bag is sitting there waiting for me. I must have been really drunk, I don’t remember; a) Leaving Didsbury b) Going to Fallowfield, I was later informed we did. c) Getting a kebab d) Getting home. e) Packing my canoe gear. f) Going to bed with a beautiful blonde,
(okay, I made that bit up) The head starts to clear and I jump on my bike and head off back to the scene of the crime, Didsbury. Cycling past the Dog and Partridge still doesn’t manage to jog my memory at all, neither does the Clock Tower. I get to the shed; Dave Lund is waiting patiently, like a little lap dog. My nightmare gets even worse, I realise that I will yet again be in his car. The other car arrives with Dave Walker at the wheel, so I shall have to be careful whom I refer to in this article, so that I do not cause any offence.
Phil is apparently incapable of driving because of his night out with Mandy, Pam and Rhian. Four in the bed and the little one said, roll over!!
Before we think about canoeing, we consider the more important aspects of the morning, food and having a shit. So, where better to go, than Tescos. After relieving ourselves and buying some hangover food, we head out into the unknown of canoeing. It takes us almost 3 hours to get to the river; I have suffocated my car with my beer fuelled explosive farting. We meet up with Ben and Geoff. Remind me to tell you all about Ben later, he swam, ha ha ha ha ha. We decide to do the longer section, yet Mandy and her friend Pam, have no canoeing gear what so ever. How stupid, you cum to Manchester to meet up with the canoe club, and you don’t even think about bringing any canoeing gear. We manage to kit them out with some of the latest in canoe fashion. We head onto the river with many jokes being hurled about concerning Matt, Ben, Dave, Myself….in fact everybody got one cracked off at them. The best comment was from Matt ‘Global warming is because we are getting nearer to the sun’ Well, something to that affect anyway. Oh, how we laughed, until we realised that it is true. Graham, I am sure you have a theory, but keep it to yourself, please. We paddle on down the river, enjoying the warmth; well it was warmer than last weeks paddle. It begins to rain, oh glorious!! About halfway down the river, I stupidly believe that I can cheer everyone up with my hung over humour. I fail miserably, but manage to cheer everyone up later when Captain Fear makes an appearance. It is strange that every time Captain Fear appears, I mysteriously disappear. I have yet to see this courageous hero of the canoe club. Apparently, Captain Fear made an appearance when the Sexy Chairman went through a hole and got pulled back in. This was after I had laughed my tits off at Phil because he had done the same thing. I tried in vain to get out, but I just got pulled back in. All I could hear was everybody laughing. I just gripped the rock for fear of swimming. Thankfully, the Beast shouted at me to lean forward, so I did, and I am still here to retell the story. Nothing much of interest happened after that. We paddled a nice gorge, with some hair raising rapids, Pam got pinned, Dave Walker and his fellow rescuers got to try out there fancy named rescue techniques, Mandy took a swim on the flat section, Ben showed us his gay umbrella and ginger arse (in that order), Mandy nearly pissed herself on the way home, I received some strange text messages, a few of us went for a cup of tea at my home in Chester and then we went out and got pissed in the Firkin (Karen and I won a fiver in the Firkin, wahey!!). Now, for Ben. Apparently he swam yesterday, Sunday, and lost his really expensive paddles, valued at around £180. If you get the opportunity to, please take the piss out of him. Also, I need to know how many people are interested in going to the Alps this summer, and how many people are actually reading these E-mails. If you are reading these E-mails, then good, but please write to us so that we know that you are. Other wise I shall stop writing these hilarious stories and accounts of our trips. I also would like to know if anyone fancies going on a weekend trip to the River Trwyn (I don’t actually know how to spell it) in a fortnight, the weekend of the 23rd –25th. Basically, it is the weekend trip that occurred last term in which the blokes got their cocks out, and the women had their tits felt. If that sounds like your sort of thing then get in touch.
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