Where do I start? This particular trip already has a reputation, particularly D-Bar, and we hoped it lived up to it. Well I can safely say that nobody on the trip will ever forget this weekend, it was almost on a par with the Vrnwy weekend on entertainment value alone. So I shall begin, obviously some points may not be completely accurate, some may be exaggerated (Bob’s swim) but I will try to stick to the truth as much as possible.

The trip started badly when the trailer decided to screw us about for half an hour, so we resorted to taking the piss out of "Fish Lips" and "Gandy" to keep the moral going. We kept ourselves amused until it dawned on us that we would have no right indicator on the trailer, no problem! There is only one right turn on the way to Llangollen anyway. Obviously we considered strapping the Beast to the trailer with a torch, but we opted to travel without the indicator.

The journey passed without much incidence apart from Matt’s confession that he has thought about Rhianenenenenenenenenenenenenen….. (Rhian’s friend from home), whilst masturbating, which led to quite a large discussion/debate on bashing the bishop, pulling the trouser snake, cracking one off, etc.

We arrived in Llangollen with several cries of "Oh shit, look how high the river is?"

We did the usual stand by the river for half an hour and look at the water, it still amazes me how often this happens, the fact that it was pitch black didn’t stop the older members of the club straining their OAP eyes to estimate the height of the river.

The accommodation, as usual was of a very high standard, several double beds plus one en-suite bathroom. Everyone waited for Bob to choose his room before opting for the other; the new members have yet to learn that you do not want to sleep in the same room as the biggest snoring blob this side of Didsbury. We decided to take it easy with a few complimentary teas and coffees, apparently my tea making skills are to die for, before adventuring out into Llangollen for a quiet drink with Dave "Fish Lips" Lund and Geoff the "Romford Ripper" fighting for the attentions of Leona, the manager of the canoe centre (Geoff had the advantage being nearer to her age).

We ended up spending two hours on a balcony overlooking the treacherous looking Town falls, everyone joking about death, which for some wasn’t so funny. The bar gave us our first insight into the native female talent available in Llangollen, Fish Lips almost came in his pants, Matt did come in his pants and Geoff swallowed a few viagra, "just in case" he said. (Come on, I did say I was going to exaggerate a bit!!)

We returned to the hostel still commenting how if we had an accident "tell my mum and dad I love them". Laura and Helen just looked at us nervously; I have to admit that I changed my pants once or twice. Upon arrival back at the hostel, the boxes of Kronnenburg were brought out, and the inevitable games of ‘I have never…’ and spin the bottles for dares began. Nothing much new was confessed, although we found out that Helen has had a considerable amount of man yoghurt in her hair, which explains that shiny gloss.

The next morning was hell, we got up at 8.30, and it must be a record for some of us. Everybody awoke with the realisation that today was the day we conquered the Town Falls. We all joked about condemned men getting their last meal, so most opted for the huge fry-up. We arrived at the start of the river, the girls had already chosen not to paddle, Graham fannyed around with his boat for half an hour, pretending something was wrong with it, so we left him behind.

The trip began, everybody had that look of fear, well I did anyway. We paddled off, the first major rapid was the Serpent’s Tail, some commented how it looked washed out from the road, I can tell you it wasn’t, instead it was very nasty. Unfortunately, Karen caught it on the video camera, can’t wait to see that. We eventually got down to Nomad, and to not much surprise, Dave "Fish Lips" Lund swam, he claimed that he was beasted, but he just couldn’t role up, oh how we laughed at his misfortune. Gandy, by this point was turning green, demanding that he wanted to get off the river, he wasn’t allowed, and so we carried on. We arrived at the ‘last chance to get out off the river before Town Falls’ point of the river, no one got off. By this point I wanted to throw up, poo myself, then piss in my wet suit, in that order (I didn’t, just in case you were wondering). We somehow decided to bunch up together, more or less holding hands as we approached the falls, Karen was waving from the bridge, camcorder in hand, everybody hoping that they don’t look like they were shitting it. We all passed through safely, looking at each other with much surprise, several comments of ‘was that it?’ murmured across the eddy. It turned out that it wasn’t as bad as we expected, some look disappointed, I looked relieved, Gandy looking like he was about to pass out.

We had completed the river run before midday, which left the afternoon free for separate activities, Geoff disappeared up the hill with a few girls in tow (Helen, Laura and Karen). Jamie, Phil and Myself drove to Chester to pick up a few parts for the trailer, stopping off to see my parents, cheers for the tea and penguins mum, they were top.

We returned to Llangollen by 5, finding everybody in bed…….sleeping, that is. So, seeing as we had been up since 8.30, we all had a little nap, woken up rudely by Bob at 7, telling us to get ready we are going out. This demand was met with mixed responses, I personally was quite happy lying in bed with my recently acquired copy of FHM. We drove and got food, then settled down for a few beers before hitting Llangollen. The night began slowly, not much said, that is until we entered the D-Bar.

All hell broke loose, the beast made an incredible appearance on the floor with some slut in a chain mail outfit on top of him, the girls of Llangollen could not get enough of us Manchester boys, (look, I can’t resist exaggerating a little). Anyway, the girls resembled something you find at a family wedding, in fact, the bar resembled a wedding, oh shit, I hope we didn’t just gatecrash somebody’s wedding. The fun didn’t end there, the journey back to the hostel, resembled an Army assault course, Matt took dives over several hedges, taking a few people with him at one point. Leona was one of them; she couldn’t stop laughing, even though she was stone cold sober. Matt lost his glasses, keys and money, some were found, some were not. We just couldn’t stop singing ‘Who let the Mancs out?…Hooo Hooo Hooo Hooo’ Matt even ended up fighting "I have a theory" Graham in a puddle in the car park. The night went from bad to worse for the Beast, who couldn’t resist hugging the toilet bowl followed up with him throwing up on Phil’s helmet…….canoeing helmet that is.

That ended what was definitely a classic canoe club night out.

I haven’t finished yet; I have to tell you about Bob’s hilarious swim on Sunday, all caught on camera, well, more like 4 cameras and a video camera. Bob’s boat ended up remaining in the hole for roughly 10 minutes; you would be amazed at how quickly a crowd can appear from nowhere. We received several funny looks as we kept laughing at the little fishy swimming down the river, and shouting ‘Who’s the daddy now?’

I will refrain from talking about it too much because I have already written shit loads, and you can all see it on video anyway, available from Karen for £5 a piece, believe me, it is worth it. I have to mention that Gandy bottled doing the Falls the second time because he is gay, I didn’t do it because I was very hung over, which is a genuine excuse. We stood around laughing about how great the weekend was, until the Beast shut the mini bus door on Karen’s hand, we all had images of several severed fingers, luckily they were not, she was still taken to hospital as a precaution against broken bones.

Anyway, the weekend ended with Lauren, Bob’s mate from work running out of petrol, Gandy getting aggressive and Jamie still producing terrible smelly farts. It was definitely a weekend to remember, sorry the report is so long, but I didn’t want to miss anything out, if I have then I apologise.

Written by Michael Collinson,

Chairman MMSU Canoe Club

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Last modified: Thursday November 22, 2001.